Fear and uncertainty. Yes, I have them, too. Daily I must focus on what I believe and stay centered. It is all too easy to be distracted or drift. It takes a lot to stay focused and driven. Some days I have more of it than others.
My current greatest fear is feeling limited when, previously, I believed I had no limitations. Now I am labeled as a widow with young children or a single mother, I find these newly acquired labels exhausting. Still, people use them like it is my new identity. Broad sweeps and generalizations are common place. I was born as I am and I am pleased with whom I have become.
Perhaps it is my heightened sense of awareness of all things, including word choice and tone, that I find myself cringing. Perhaps, I am desperate to be viewed simply as a person. I find that labels, in general, are restrictive and insufficient. I find myself being suffocated with labels that threaten to limit me and try to define me as a person. I show patience and restraint because I don’t necessarily feel that people are being intentionally malicious.
I fear that my circumstances will speak louder than my voice. I want your love and consideration. I don’t want to be pitied, ever. I have no interest in playing the victim, ever. I am me. I refuse labels that are insufficient. If you label me, you underestimate me. If you must- call me a dreamer.
I fear what others will say to limit my children’s hopes and dreams in the setting of their loss. How will they magnify what they perceive to be a weakness? While there is nothing that I can say that will convey the magnitude of our loss, I will say that this life event has changed my approach to life and somehow I have arrived at being grateful for my new lens.
I define myself. I write my own script. I believe that I am bigger than society’s labels for me. Look past the obvious. Listen with your soul and you will see and hear me. Every day I will encourage my girls to write their own scripts and live out their dreams without limitations.